The Jit

1st Day Jitter or what?!

It felt like it was my first job...nervous...for I will be meeting new set of people, new office, irate members, and difficult people to work with.

It felt like that while I was preparing for work. The only difference is that I am not new to this job.. The people are not new to me..The task is not either...it's still the same shit that I've been doing for more than 5 years. It's just me that's new. Well it felt like that.

When I reached the office and the first thing I noticed was the red color of the round clock..it used to be white. Next thing I noticed was the lights on the elevator..it used to be dim. Now I can see my reflection from the mirrors all over. While waiting for the elevator to open. I look different. This is not me. I used to look more attractive and more appealing. Not like this one...less attractive..still appealing but less one. I hope that doesn't make me less of a person or else I'd rather be dead than like this.

One of my closest friends happily approached me and greeted me with a welcome hug. Others were happy to see me while others seem to care less. She asked if I'm back for good. I said I hope so...

Gift of Life

Dear Me,

I'm just happy to be alive. The last ten months had been a struggle for survival. I was ready to give up life,in fact, I had given up life...I was telling the closest people who stayed with me through thick and thin that I was tired of fighting..that I just want him to end my life if that's really his will.

But here I am, after multiple hospitalizations because of my Asthma and Pneumonia attacks brought about by my weak lungs I am still here. Alive. Renewed actually, in all aspects. God has his way of telling me that it's not yet time. That I still have a life to live and that I still have gifts that I need to claim from him- The Gift of Life and my hearts desire.

I keep on saying Thank you Lord and yet I feel like until now I do not deserve the multiple chances that you have given. I wanted to hug you Lord and cry for not letting go of me during those times that I have given up on you. You were there when I have given up on you.. Thank you Lord God.

You know my hearts desire. I don't know if you agree to it but if you do I will cherish that person,I will treasure that person. Thank you...Im excited to wake up everyday knowing that I will be spending the rest of my life with that person..

Thank you for the gift of life..

No Spark

After meeting him today, I realized that loving someone online is different when you finally get to meet the person in the real world. It was our first meet up, I guess I did not give the person a benefit of the doubt but honestly, I did not feel a spark at all. Yes i'm happy that I finally met the person, we had our conversations over lunch, I think we both had a great time talking. Is that love in the real world? God I think it's me that's confused now and not him!! 

Finding love is never easy..especially when you're different..

Cold Feeling

This week had been a mixture of emotions flowing through my veins. I guess the effect of the medicines are wearing off this time because I have this feeling that i'm back to reality... I'm back to my old self..

I felt a little depress when he did not spend time with me in WC today,he must have fallen asleep waiting for me..But I waited patiently..I waited until I found myself fast asleep hugging Franky tightly in my arms. I feel cold.. not from the weather but from the loneliness unfolding from the inside.

I can't sleep....wake me up from this insanity..

NOTE TO SELF: THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT

GOOD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT...

Note To Self: Start anew

Note to self:

Start a new life. Just move on. Leave everything behind.