Fixed Marriage:Mom are you serious?

"Anak 28 years old lang sya at naghahanap ng asawa, may maayos na trabaho sa Canada at uuwi sya dito sa 2010.."

At 26 I never expected that I would be entangled in this kind of situation. Little did I know that my loving mom is being convinced by her sister to hook me up and fix my marriage to a single/rich/distant relative who resides in Canada...and they plan to do it in 2010!

"Ano ka ba? Bat ko gagawin un?" (laughs)

I thought it was just a mere joke but it wasn't. I felt how she wanted me to get out of the nonconforming relationship that I currently am involve with.

"Eto kausapin mo tita mo sa phone kwento nya sau, distant relative namin eto stable na ung life nya sa Canada at gusto nya ng mabait na asawa, basta makipag communicate ka lang sa knya at pag ok na pupunta na sya dito para process papers mo.."

I got choke not because of the sinigang na baboy that I was eating for lunch but by her serious disposition regarding that "fixed marriage".

"Cge na anak, para maka-alis na rin tau dito, gusto ko makarating ng Canada.."

I'm not upset with my mom. I don't blame her for wanting to get out and look for greener pasture in fact I felt like I failed to give her a luxurious life that she wanted for us. I'm sorry mom I failed you.

"Andami nagkakagusto sau babae anak.. bakit ba kc dyan ka sa katulad mo..."

I was dumbstruck for 60 seconds after hearing those remarks from my mom and then continued pretending that I was still enjoying hot soup of the sinigang na baboy. I guess i'm hurt because I realized that she will never accept me to be with someone of the same gender and that there is still little hope on her part that I will have a change of direction and take the "right" route.

"Yung ibang pinsan ko na lang, ayoko!!!" Then went straight to my room and rested my mind and body..

2 things why mom agreed to this arrangement with her sister:

1>She wanted a new life for me because she cannot believe or accept the fact that I am not what she thinks and what my father thinks I am or will be. What I am, no one knows only them- my mom and my sisters..Not even the maternal and paternal relatives...not even my father.

2>She's getting old and she's sick and tired of a simple life in Manila. She wants to experience a life outside the country, or she simply wants to be filthy rich. Napagod na cguro sa kakataya sa lotto wala namang nangyayari. (Why am I feeling a little angst while writing this part..huh?)

As i'm writing this blog I felt a pinched in my aorta. May it be the former or the latter I will not dwell into the pain of rejection. If the reason is the latter then at least I have something that will push me to work "very hardest" to give her a good life..a luxurious life.

If it's the former then I rest my case. I can't defend myself, why is that? I want to defend myself without sounding guilty. I don't hold my future I know, I always tell this to myself but today will have a big impact in my tomorrow.

What's my next step then?